Circle Of Life
Everything has changed. They say it always has and always will- here today, gone tomorrow. This confuses me, everything does change, but when you really think about it, none of these changes are significant enough to make any changes overall. The circle of life, our heart's journey through the seasons: birth, growth, reproduction, and death. You are born, and you live. You have relationships, become parents, grandparents, and then you die. This is life, even though we go through and experience changes, good and bad, on a daily basis- these changes are only stepping stones. A change is equal to nothing more than a weed in a lake, if that weed were to be removed, the whole lake wouldn't end, it wouldn't die. This missing piece would only affect maybe a few fish, a frog or two, or whatever else depended on that weed.
Whether we like it or not, change is going to happen. So, for those of you who hate change, for those who avoid change at any cost, I am screaming out to you- learn! Learn to accept it, or deal with it , because if you don't you are going to struggle, my friend. Life is all about changes; every single day we exist there will be changes. Good, bad, predictable and unpredictable.
The question I ask myself is, “what is the biggest change in my life?” There have been many, let me tell you, but the biggest, what is it? This question requires no thought at all. I know the biggest change in my life, without any doubt. It wasn't when my parents got divorced, or even when I had to make a choice as a kid who I wanted to live with. It wasn't when my father reorganized his priorities or even when I moved out. My biggest change was becoming close with my grandfather. He became and still is a major part of my life. I don't know where I would be without him. Looking back, I remember snuggling up with him and my grandmother every year on Christmas Eve; he always would get up early, and I would wake up when he did, to see if Santa had arrived. I remember bringing him what we called 'special quarters'. These were the quarters with the states on them. He collected these and would give me more money than they were worth in exchange. I remember the time he let me cut his hair when I was young, and the time he let me paint his toe nails a reddish color. I remember flying kites with him up over the hill, hunting with him, and even listening to his old music. Most of all, I remember him telling me he loved me. This was not stated with words, my grandfather was never a man of many words. He told me this by the way he held my hand. This is the one thing I cherished the most- feeling his hand in mine.
On July 26th, 2009 he was diagnosed with cancer. I can't tell you how many times I sat on a hospital bed thinking “this is it.” It wasn't it, my fear of him dying was only replaced by more fear, a situation worse than before. A major stroke, septic shock, cancer spreading, life support, always a step down the ladder. Moving in and taking care of him was second nature to me. It was as easy as breathing. Being there by his side no matter the hour so he wouldn't fall, greeting him good morning, making him food, giving him his pills- during the day and throughout the night, changing the television channel, spending time with him, and even putting him to bed, guarding his life like it was my own. This was all a routine, but he continued to get worse. On top of what I used to do, there was now making sure he kept his oxygen on, making sure it was at the right level, giving more pills, and spending more time with him. All of this was normal to me. To me, it was my responsibility. Before long, instead of only talking to my grandmother, the nurses talked to me. Of course, I wasn't the only one there taking care of him, there was my grandmother, my cousin, her parents, and an amazing nurse- her name was Katie.
According to the cycle of life, he had one 'season' left- death. No matter how hard we tried, it would happen. He was born, he lived, he had relationships, he became a parent, then a grandfather, and he died. In the end, I couldn't save him, but I was lucky enough to have been the last person to see him alive. I don't know if he waited for me to come home before he died, or maybe it was a coincidence. Either way, he died about 5 minutes after I got home. I went in and checked on him, he was breathing- alive, no. He wasn't the guy I knew, even though he was fighting for his life- he was waiting for the end. I walked out to make sure my grandmother was okay while the nurse checked his vital signs. No more than a minute passed when I heard her softly say my grandmother’s name. I knew then and there that he was gone- I went over to him and called for ‘Nan’, my grandmother. He was warm- he stayed this way for 3 hours. From pain and suffering, to peace- it was over. Well, this part of his life was over. What happens after that I cannot say. There has to be more after that though- this I do know. The circle of life refers to death as not the end but the seed of another life. Albert Einstein indirectly spoke of this, he said that energy cannot be created or destroyed; it merely changes form.
What ever happened to him after that day, is a mystery. What isn't is that he is greatly missed by many. This was a major change in multiple people’s lives, but overall it had no more of a change than a missing weed out of the lake. I will always miss him, the way he held my hand, the way he smiled, and how he kept fighting when it seemed worthless. Even though he is gone, part of him was left behind. My grandfather- my hero, because of him my future became clear. I will be a nurse. He may no longer be physically here with me, but he always will be with me spiritually and in my heart.
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I love you, always and will never forget you. September 14, 2010
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